See? There is no need for thumbscrews. It took a while because of work and school and I seemed to have a lot to say.
Let's see, then, where to begin.
I think you did a great job writing our favorite Slytherin. You avoided the usual mistake us fangirls fall into which is making Draco far more impressive than he is. We like to think he's just wit and good hair and bad boy charm, but he really isn't at all. There's some wit, of course, but the last few books made it clear that he is very human indeed. You capture this human side effortlessly with little things like the way he 'yelped' and hid from Potter at the Ministry and pettily tried to provoke Susan. I also like the way he was Malfoy from the first few books - the one thing he's really good at is getting under people's skin. It was great to watch him push her buttons perfectly - his own little revenge for the humiliation he was feeling. Spot-on character wise.
I love what you've done with Ms. Susan Bones. She's someone who matters very little in the books and only pops up in the fanfics from time to time, but you really took her to a whole new level. The only thing we really know about her is that she lost all her family in the war and you built on that to give a fully-developed character. She's angry and bitter and deals with Draco in a way that is completely believable.
'After two years of trials and interviews, living off toast and charity, debts both financial and personal nagging at him like thousands of tiny, biting splinters, finally, here was his chance to start the struggle back to normalcy. He would make things better for them.
I liked several things about this bit. Your description of how he had been living was the perfect mix of general ('trials and interviews') and specific ('toast' =D). It's really hard to get descriptions like that to be so informative while drawing a clear image in the reader's head. The metaphor for splinters was also very good. I'm always afraid to go throwing in metaphors like that because I worry it will sound forced. And, of course, I love that Draco is concerned about taking care of his family. Malfoys stick together.
'“Do you know why no one wants anything to do with you Malfoy? Why you can’t get a job? Why all your mother get in reply to her letters to her sister is curses? Its because you didn’t lose anyone... So now we just want to pretend that you don’t exist.”
This entire speech was brutal and biting. It may be my favorite part. I can almost feel the bitterness she feels that the Malfoy's didn't lose anyone at all.
'“...and everyone else didn’t sharply fall into line, pausing only to feed the guy beside them to the Dementors before sticking their fingers in their ears and going la la la for a year.”'
*giggles* Pure Draco.
One quick grammar thing : In ‘“Not that much.” He yelped.’, the ‘H’ should not be capitalized - ‘“Not that much,” he yelped.’ This is the general rule for most phrases like 'she said' and 'he asked'. They aren't sentences on their own.
So, I enjoyed this immensely. Now where is your Draco/Asteria story, hmm?
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Let's see, then, where to begin.
I think you did a great job writing our favorite Slytherin. You avoided the usual mistake us fangirls fall into which is making Draco far more impressive than he is. We like to think he's just wit and good hair and bad boy charm, but he really isn't at all. There's some wit, of course, but the last few books made it clear that he is very human indeed. You capture this human side effortlessly with little things like the way he 'yelped' and hid from Potter at the Ministry and pettily tried to provoke Susan. I also like the way he was Malfoy from the first few books - the one thing he's really good at is getting under people's skin. It was great to watch him push her buttons perfectly - his own little revenge for the humiliation he was feeling. Spot-on character wise.
I love what you've done with Ms. Susan Bones. She's someone who matters very little in the books and only pops up in the fanfics from time to time, but you really took her to a whole new level. The only thing we really know about her is that she lost all her family in the war and you built on that to give a fully-developed character. She's angry and bitter and deals with Draco in a way that is completely believable.
'After two years of trials and interviews, living off toast and charity, debts both financial and personal nagging at him like thousands of tiny, biting splinters, finally, here was his chance to start the struggle back to normalcy. He would make things better for them.
I liked several things about this bit. Your description of how he had been living was the perfect mix of general ('trials and interviews') and specific ('toast' =D). It's really hard to get descriptions like that to be so informative while drawing a clear image in the reader's head. The metaphor for splinters was also very good. I'm always afraid to go throwing in metaphors like that because I worry it will sound forced. And, of course, I love that Draco is concerned about taking care of his family. Malfoys stick together.
'“Do you know why no one wants anything to do with you Malfoy? Why you can’t get a job? Why all your mother get in reply to her letters to her sister is curses? Its because you didn’t lose anyone... So now we just want to pretend that you don’t exist.”
This entire speech was brutal and biting. It may be my favorite part. I can almost feel the bitterness she feels that the Malfoy's didn't lose anyone at all.
'“...and everyone else didn’t sharply fall into line, pausing only to feed the guy beside them to the Dementors before sticking their fingers in their ears and going la la la for a year.”'
*giggles* Pure Draco.
One quick grammar thing : In ‘“Not that much.” He yelped.’, the ‘H’ should not be capitalized - ‘“Not that much,” he yelped.’ This is the general rule for most phrases like 'she said' and 'he asked'. They aren't sentences on their own.
So, I enjoyed this immensely. Now where is your Draco/Asteria story, hmm?